Clichés run rampant, but they are most hollow when they are used by the helpless bystander to try to comfort the one who mourns. Even members of our closest groups can say things that feel so unhelpful. “She’s in a better place.” Yes, I hope so but she isn’t here. “It will get easier with time.” Perhaps, but maybe then I’ll feel the gulf is even wider. “He would want you to be happy.” Of course he would, but he never experienced this as I am now. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” I can’t handle this.
Grief is like a fingerprint: entirely unique to the one experiencing it. Like a fingerprint, the structure and contents of grief can be shared, but the real life, day-to-day reality of losing that particular person can never be fully shared.
There are a few reasons for this: the person who has died is a unique, unrepeatable, incommunicable person; the person who is grieving is also a distinct individual; and the relationship that the two people shared is as unrepeatable as they are. And yet, sharing the experience of grief with others can help to bring about healing. You are not alone.
While clichés can offer wisdom, sometimes they only express part of the story. The statement that God never gives you more than you can handle is true — if the focus is right. If the focus is on you and what you can deal with, then it all falls apart.
Our Lord never gives us something to handle and then leaves us alone to take care of it. The central point of the cliché is that He does not abandon us in our suffering, struggles, grief, and loss. We cannot always depend on our own resilience. But we can trust that God will be with us through it all. Felt or not, He never leaves us. He promises: “I am with you always, until the end of the age.” (Mt 28:20)
Still, sometimes we do not feel even the least bit hopeful. This time of the year can be particularly hard. While it seems like the world is celebrating one thing after another, those of us who mourn can feel more and more alone. It is even more important during these times to seek out community — to be with people.
Join Catholic Funeral & Cemetery Services of the Diocese of Sacramento at the 20th annual Remembrance Tree and Candlelight Vigil. This event offers you the opportunity to remember your loved one by allowing you to decorate a blessed ornament with personal items like their favorite candy, notes of love or simply their photo. You are then invited to hang the blessed ornament with others walking this grief journey during this season.
Please join us for this lovely event at St. Mary Cemetery & Funeral Center, Calvary Cemetery & Funeral Center or All Souls Cemetery & Funeral Center at 7 p.m. on Thursday, Dec. 9, 2021. Visit cfcssacramento.org/events for more information. You are not alone.
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Katerina Austin is the Parish Outreach Coordinator for Catholic Funeral & Cemetery Services of the Diocese of Sacramento.
Catholic Herald Issue